Art of the Collapse, Epstein Edition
Nothing to see here, folks...
Let’s just put it out there: Team Trump has decided to hold onto the Epstein files and use them to blackmail swamp creatures.
This makes strategic sense, but leaves the administration looking us in the eye and lying, apparently in the hope that something else will come along to distract us shortly (maybe another pandemic?)
But for now, at least, the Babylon Bee’s investigative reporters are still digging:
7 Totally Plausible Explanations For What Happened To The Epstein List On Pam Bondi's Desk
Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:
Bondi threw it away because she saw the list included every single person living in Hollywood and D.C. and realized there must be some mistake: Obviously.
Bondi meant she had Epstein's Spotify list: It was a simple misunderstanding.
She really had the list, but her dog ate it, and she was going to try to piece it back together, but then some Haitians ate the dog: Happens all the time.
She actually meant she had the list of clients for Marvin Epstein, a dentist from Brooklyn: It all makes sense.
Bondi was carrying the Epstein list when she accidentally bumped into a super cute guy who it turns out is a young Santa Claus and somehow the lists got switched in a romantic "Christmas List Swap": Coming to the Hallmark Channel soon!
The Epstein list is really just a metaphor for the trauma in each person's past: So powerful.
Bondi is actually still going to release the Epstein list, but she's going to have some influencers shoot the pedophiles' names out of t-shirt cannons and the cannons are on backorder: Hooray!
See, it all adds up. Don't be so hard on Pam.
Bondi Explains She Was Going To Release The Epstein Files But Then Some Pedophiles Asked Her Not To
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not.
Bondi stated that she understood the disappointment over her not releasing the client list, which has been "on her desk" since February, but she promised the pedophiles that she wouldn't.
"Sorry guys, I told the pedophiles I would keep it under wraps," said Bondi to reporters. "Look, I'm just as bummed as you are. I had all these great little binders made up, with all the incriminating evidence I promised to release, then, ugh -- these pedophiles came along and asked me not to. Which is super sad, because now all these criminals will never be brought to justice. Too bad!"
Reporters questioned why Bondi decided to honor the request of the pedophiles when she had promised the nation to release the files in her possession. "You should have seen the look in the pedophiles' faces, okay?" replied Bondi. "They just looked so worried. Don't judge my decision until you've walked a mile in a pedophile's shoes like I have."
And the memes will live on:
what is even scarier than the lies is the people who believe it is likely all for a good cause.
Wake up folks
I think we all know who is on the list . We also know that Epstein was involved with Mossad and the CIA . Of course , no one will say it out loud .
Look , ever since I saw Jack Ruby shoot Oswald inside the Dallas Police office surrounded by FBI , each subsequent event has only confirmed my initial reaction. “ “Wow ,just keep your head down and don’t ask questions “